I Appreciate a Good Battlement
by leDaph
Summary: Beauty and the Beast? HA! Yeah, right. The fairy's humblefying spell backfired: the Beast STILL thinks he can get any girl he wants. Well, not this one! All I gotta do is make his life miserable. Then I get my three wishes, just as the fairy promised.
1. Madmen and Ear Rape

Author's Note: Okay, I know, I know, I'm supposed to be working on Mark of Q. But this something I started a long time ago. In a far away land. Filled with make believe trees.

* * *

Beauty and the Beast?

Question: when a crazed half starved madman accosts you in the wood and threatens to reveal your worst secret which would completely destroy your life unless you do exactly as he says, do you listen? Comment: NO. Instead, bash his head in with your bow and flee the scene. As quickly as possible. And then maybe lie low for a couple days. Unless no one finds the corpse, in which case you've got off scot free and you can go back to your happy work as a respectable shopkeeper's assistant.

Unfortunately I don't moonlight as an assassin or anything, so at the moment the possibility of murder never entered my attention.

"What's to stop me from killing you right here and now to protect my secret?" I asked the madman.

Okay, so maybe the possibility of murder WAS flitting among my innocent thoughts.

The madman hesitated, then pulled a dagger from his boot. I mean boot in the singular. He was only wearing one. The other foot was bare and pretty scratched up. See why I say "madman?" Who in their right mind goes wandering about the forest wearing only one boot? And only rags for clothes? Some sort of fetish, I wonder?

"You aren't exactly in a position to argue," he threatened, brandishing the dagger.

"Okay! Okay!" I tried to back away but he followed with a crazed look in his eye. "I was just kidding! A joke, alright? Ha-ha funny!"

"Then you agree, _girl?"_ he said, emphasizing the gender orientated form of address. See, the whole compromising issue here, which was the reason I didn't just laugh in his face (aside from the dagger) is that I hide my gender from the entire town in order to keep my job as shopkeeper's assistant. And half the town knows me by sight and name because of my prominent position, including this madman, who was actually some merchant I'd always thought respectable until here he is wandering about with only one boot on, which was why he recognized me as Finch the shop boy. Except I didn't remain a shop boy to him for very long, not after he launched himself at me and I couldn't prevent him from discovering my gender as he clung so tightly to me. If you ask me, the mad merchant is the dirty one, though it would be my own label if the town found out. The superstitious, traditional elders would not be very happy if the truth came out. In fact, I would be cast in disgrace and at the very least called a witch and hung.

Not very thrilling.

"I don't really have any choice," I said despairingly.

And that was how I struck my devil's bargain, and joined the ranks of the damned.

* * *

"Darlings, I'm home!" called out the madman. Two girls came running out of the cottage shrieking. One came from the barn, doing the same only in a higher pitched screech. God, the horror of a girl's vocals. The pain is excruciating. Even pressing my hands to my ears didn't erase it completely.

"What happened to you?" One of his daughters gasped after they had finished jumping on him. So the jumping on people thing was in the family, apparently. Did it not occur to any of them that it was inappropriate? Am I the only victim? Surely there are others out there with ruined lives only from being the right height in the wrong place at the wrong time?

They chattered on endlessly. I paid no attention. These people do not deserve my attention. Their father is an evil mad manipulator out to send poor innocent girls to certain death and the daughters all able to create horrible torture with just their voices. The family clearly had a demon somewhere in their ancestry to be capable of such evils.

"–is Belle," his evilness was saying to me, referring to a daughter particularly uglier than the rest. She had perfect hair, perfect skin, prefect features, and enormous eyes. Like I said, ugly. "Belle, you remember Finch from the shop? He is our guest. Not for long, though. Soon he is leaving on a long journey." Yeah, long journey my ass. The man knows he is sending me to my death. Does he care? No. As long as his precious daughter is safe, I can go die a dozen hideous deaths. Maybe even a baker's dozen. That's even more, I bet.

The happy reunited family went inside the cottage, monsieur le mal merchant pausing at the doorstep to give me a look that clearly said DON'T YOU THINK ABOUT RUNNING. I HAVE THE MAYOR'S NUMBER ON SPEED DIAL. AND THE SHOPKEEPER'S. AND THE SHERIFF'S. GO SLEEP IN THE BARN. YOU LEAVE IN THE MORNING. BELLE RULES!

So now I was the madman's prisoner. Great. And in the morning I'd be forced to take his daughter's place and go to the castle the merchant talked about and be mauled to death by a beast. Lovely. My tombstone will say something like "Forced to choose between a hanging and a mauling, poor Finch chose the second, so her body was eaten, and this tombstone need never have been carved, which I'm sure takes lots of labor to do, carving words in stone, and who is paying for it anyway." And then I'd get in a lot of trouble, having to pay off loans beyond my grave. And the mafia would come after me. Which means I'm screwed. You don't mess with the mafia. Even if you're dead. Because they'll like, call up God and be all "God, it's-a Luigi. No-a, don't grovel-a," and then your afterlife will be _hell_.

Spending that night in the barn wasn't that bad, except there was a stupid goose chicken thing that tried to eat me. But it stopped the pecking and squawking when I nocked an arrow, aimed for its brain, and Got Serious. Smart bird.

After a very uncomfortable breakfast with the girls crooning over me and telling me to take care of myself on my journey while their father glared at me from across the table, I was almost glad to be free of that evil place. Almost being key. The alternative to the cottage wasn't too attractive.

Me being forced to walk while the mad merchant sat on a horse, we headed back into the forest. At least he didn't try to take away my bow and quiver. Though it's poor defense against a beast. You need like a Roman legion or something. Probably even something nuclear.

The mad merchant had no clue where he was going because we were pretty well lost within ten minutes. But still we kept going for an hour? I dunno. Maybe it makes sense when you're mentally insane. So obviously I wouldn't know.

The endless trudging was pretty annoying. Since hello, it's me, I started singing. "If. You. Were… GAY BAHNAHNAH BAHNAHNAH."

Mad merchant didn't take the hint. But he did whap me on the head. Such violence! Tsk tsk.

Then through the trees you could sort of see something. At least, I assume so, because the madman suddenly stopped and stared ahead.

"This is it. Go," he said eloquently. Then, "GO!" when I didn't move. Needless to say I got another whap. Yeah, well whap me again mister and I'll whap your FACE. He earned my ugliest glare before I slunk off through the undergrowth.

I shouted back at him, "MURDERER! YOU'RE THE REAL BEAST!"

For a second him expression changed to one of guilt. Guilt? HA! Yeah that's right! FEEL GUILTY AND DEPRESSED AND NOT ABLE TO LIVE WITH YOUR HORRIBLE SELF ANY LONGER OH LOOK SOME HANDY SLEEP PILLS… but then he clenched his jaw and pointed forward. "GO!" he shouted again.

So maybe the guilt wasn't too much for him to handle. But how could it not be? I mean, look at me! I'm too sweet to die! The monster!

Question: when you are being sent to your death by a monster, do you turn and make some very inappropriate gestures at him?

Comment: Yessss.


	2. Capes and Zoom

Author's Note: The chaos ensues...

* * *

The beastly castle (beastly: adj. full of beasts) was actually really pretty. Like, towers and spires and arches pretty. Hey, it's not like I know castle lingo. Battlements… I think that's one? Dunno what it refers to, though. Maybe soldiers like to eat some breath fresheners before war? What can I say, men are queer. Whoa, that came out really funny.

I took the lowered drawbridge as an invitation to enter. After I nocked an arrow in my bow, of course. I wasn't completely defenseless. I could probably shoot at the Beast and he'd be like, hey, a toothpick, and be so grateful to finally get that bone gristle out from between his teeth that he'd let me live. You never know.

There were candles lit inside, directing my route to a dining hall with what was practically a banquet laid out on the table. Maybe it was meant to be hospitable. Maybe it was meant as an offering after my trudge through the woods. Maybe they knew I hadn't had any dinner and it was hard to eat breakfast I'd thought it was my last meal.

And maybe I'm the Dalai Llama.

Maybe it was meant to fatten up the prey. Me. Me the prey. Fatten me up. Which is flattering if it's a comment about my lack of largess, but OMG I'M BEING FATTENED UP TO BE EATEN. HELP! HELP! SOS! OH OH OH SHIT!

"Not hungry?" a gruff low voice said behind me.

It sent shivers through my entire body.

Not because of cold or fright. That voice was the most delicious thing I'd heard in my entire life. Picture chocolate on raspberries or incense buried in sand wafting a lavender scent into the breeze. That's what it sounded like. It was the kind of voice a girl would slave for just to hear daily.

Please oh please let it not belong to the Beast. I turned around slowly to give time for whoever was behind me to hear my thoughts and considerably morph into a guy as good looking as his voice demanded.

No such luck. What had I done in a previous life? How had I been so evil that this was my punishment? No one deserved this!

No, you've misunderstood. I don't mean, no one deserves to die at the hands of the beast standing in front of me. I mean no one deserves to turn around expecting tall dark and handsome goodness and instead be horribly denied. Why me? O, Cruel world!

"Nooooo!" I sobbed.

"Easy now. I'm not going to eat you," the Beast said soothingly.

Eat me! What? Oh. Oh yeah. I guess a moment ago the problem was the possibility of being eaten. But now there was a new problem. Didn't he understand my pain?

"Belle? Can you hear me?"

It took a while to realize he was addressing me. "Um, you can call me Finch, please." Never, never Belle. Ew! Can you imagine? The insult!

"I thought your name was–"

"That's just a father's nickname. Everyone calls me Finch. Um, everyone except my father, obviously, he wouldn't. He would call me Belle. Like I said before." Damn, I'm such a bad liar.

"I see."

"Um, you have a lovely castle." Subject change, much?

He raised an eyebrow incredulously (I don't even know how it was anatomically possible). "Indeed?"

"Yeah. Lot's of…battlements." I winced. "I appreciate a good battlement." Good Lord, I'm just digging it deeper! Someone stop me! And what the hell is a battlement anyway!?

"That's…interesting to hear."

We fell into awkward silence as I tried to think of something else to say. With the Great Disappointment (this is what I was now calling the handsome goodness incident) all the fear of being mauled and eaten had left me. Maybe it was because I was actually talking to the Beast, who acted no differently than a human. And for all the poor guy looked like an unfortunate cross between a lion and a bear, he had a sexy voice.

It's hard to be scared of someone with a sexy voice. Unless they say something like "Muahaha this isn't really my voice. My friend here is a ventriloquist. Now I kill you!" but even then you can always elope with the friend.

"Do you have a name?" I asked politely.

"Yes." He turned and walked away, claws clicking on the stone floor.

O-kay then. OMG he's wearing a cape! I hadn't noticed that before. THAT IS SO SUAVE.

"Excuse me?" he growled, spinning around.

Apparently I had spoken out loud.

"Uh, I said, he's making a daring escape! That is so av–and then I was about to say –ocado but you interrupted me," I tried.

"Avocado," he repeated, again with the incredulous eyebrows.

"Yeah, you know, like, avocado: a colloquial phrase referring to one who refuses to reveal their identity, metaphorically protecting their green mushy interior with a hard outer shell, such as an avocado. You need to get out more." Man oh MAN am I so bad at making things up! It burns! Acid burns too! Maybe my pH needs to be recalibrated.

"Their green mushy interior?"

"Well, sure, the ignorant may assume people are red on the inside, but the human body is mysterious. All sorts of green wobbly bits have yet to be discovered," I said smoothly, trying to sound all philosophical and wise. Is it not written, as the swallow flies south, so does knowledge from the Master? Which means, it is the duty of the Master to impart wisdom to the Student, most of which maybe completely made up but is unquestioningly accepted because it is said in a smooth, all-knowing voice. "Hey, you avoided the question again. Are you not going to give me your name?"

"You already know it," he growled.

"No, I swear, I don't. Unless it's Steve."

He narrowed his eyes rather unbecomingly. I have no idea what emotion he was trying to display, because it was too grotesque to be fiercesome. It was just hilariously funny.

"Can I call you Steve?" I asked innocently.

He left the room rather abruptly.

It was rude. It was a sign of ill-breeding. Though I have to admit, it happens to me quite a lot. I have absolutely no idea why.

So I was left all alone, uncertain about my future, now that I was clearly not meant to be a human meal.

Wait just a second. Plans of escape had never formed because I'd figured to be eaten long before this. But now, no one was watching me.

Sneaking out… starting a new life somewhere far far away…pretty tempting options. And I almost even made it out the door! I'm so proud. But my escape was halted by a new addition to the room…someone who definitely hadn't been there a moment before. And I would know, because a moment before I'd been trying to sneak through that very same spot, and it hadn't been so solid. Not even I would try to sneak through something solid. So I'm trusting myself on this one.

"Hello, Finch," said the something, who was a very elegant woman in an expensive dress. She was absolutely gorgeous, almost too beautiful to be real. That's when I suspected something was up. And it wasn't just the elevation.

"Hello random lady who just appeared out of nowhere," I said politely.

She laughed. "Goodness, yes, you'll do perfectly."

That did not make any sense, even to me. "I don't know what that means."

"Why don't we sit down?" She made a flicking motion with her fingers and two chairs slid out from the banquet table.

Well, I couldn't help it. I gaped. Have you ever seen real magic? No? So don't judge me. But the gaping didn't last long, because I'd hopped onto one of the chairs and was perching on the cushion. "Can you make it zoom around the room?" I asked, prepared, with my arms in flying position.

"Well, yes." She seemed amused. "But first, why don't you hear me out?"

"And _then_ can you make it zoom around the room?"

"I promise."

That was alright then. I sat down properly in the chair and she took a seat in the other one.

"Do you know who I am yet?" she asked.

Obviously a fairy. And with that kind of question, one with a sense of importance. Definitely royalty. "If I had to guess, I would say…" I squinted.

"Oh?"

"Um…maybe…like…a magical…the ones that…you know what I mean…" I trailed off, squirming.

"You mean the Fairy Queen?"

"Yes, I was just about to say that."

"I believe you," she said, amused. You could tell she didn't. I was rather hurt until she started talking again, and then it was too interesting to sulk.

"That who you know as the Beast is actually a minor fairy prince. Too distant from the throne, not distant enough to lose influence or power. He reigned over a small mortal kingdom until it was discovered that his arrogance had grown so much he thought himself superior to everyone and everything, including me. When he failed a test of kindness, a spell was set on him so that he would learn his lesson. Standard procedure, it works all the time. He was given the form of the beast you saw earlier, sentenced to live in exile until he recognized the ill of his ways and repented, and a young woman would fall in love with the inner beauty of his reformed character and break the spell.

"But there was a problem. An informant I placed in this castle revealed that the prince had not taken shame in his new form. Instead, he viewed it as a minor inconvenience, which he only had to win the love of a woman to break. And he had no doubts that he could do that easily, even as the Beast. In fact, he prided himself so highly about his knowledge of love and woman, that he boasted he could make any female fall in love with him as the Beast. The difficult part, he claimed, was finding a girl, any girl, fast enough so that he would be free of the spell within a week.

"But I can not have him back into fairy politics just yet, especially since he did not learn any lesson at all. I need to keep him occupied. So I stepped in, trying to keep girls away from the castle, which is harder than I seems, because the castle is actually in several locations at once, a few of which are not as secluded as your forest town. A man managed to slip through and the Beast got out of him a daughter, Belle.

"And this is where you come in. I learned of the Beast's satisfaction at obtaining Belle, as he believed he could win her love easily, and after inspecting the girl, came to the same conclusion. The Beast is perfectly capable of outplaying any woman, and this one was easy prey. I would have prevented her from reaching the castle, but an advisor came up with a different solution. To prevent the situation from happening again, a replacement girl could be sent to keep the Beast occupied.

"We had to chose a replacement. She couldn't be a weak hearted beauty or a sweet, sentimental girl. He'd succeed with both. I had in mind a rather strong willed woman, but he'd just match her wits while playing the romantic and she'd be lost in a few days. Then, I found you."

She paused, clearly expecting an outburst of some kind, but I had nothing ready for her and eventually she continued. "You, unique among your kind, will never fall for the Beast's play. In fact, you are immune. You are a very interesting person. Say it had been someone else in your situation, masquerading as a boy. She would have been so deprived that she would have fallen fast and hard for the first man to admire her. You, however, never would have considered it. This is because you are slightly insane."

"I am not!" I protested. "I've been tested."

"That only proves it," she said, laughing. "Oh, you are going to drive him _crazy_."

We shared a laugh for a few seconds. Hers was because she loved what the Beast had coming for him. Mine was because I like joining in when others are laughing.

Then I understood what she hadn't said but really had if you hadn't understood it. "Wait. So you arranged for me to come here?" I accused.

"Well, yes," she admitted.

"I resent that," I told her. "I'm holding a grudge."

"No, you're not. Now, if you agree to keep the Beast occupied until it's more convenient for me, you will be suitably rewarded." She raised her eyebrows suggestively.

"As in, riches beyond my wildest imaginings?"

"Somewhat. You will get three wishes."

Enough said, it was a done deal. I made her shake on it. Then pinky swear, and then cross my heart hope to die. After that it was pretty unbreakable. Like, the equivalent of a blood oath.

The Fairy Queen let me zoom about the room on the chair for a few minutes but then she had to leave.

* * *

Author's Note: Alright guys! Should I continue this? Yes? No? The fate of the universe rests in your hands!


End file.
